She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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