i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
