My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
