He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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