she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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