I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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