'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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