I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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