I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This is the high leading the old right now
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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