I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
