I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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