so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
