My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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