dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on