shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK