the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
