My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
