Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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