I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
handjob tips. give me some.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
