my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
