I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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