I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
