Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
