So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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