tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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