...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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