i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
