I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
