Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
