I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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