i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
