Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
