Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Randomize
