It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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