I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
