He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
