You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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