i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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