Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
