you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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