the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
