pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He? As in you personified your dick?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
