we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
