I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
