Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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