What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall