i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins