I wish I only lived at night.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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