the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
