Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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