Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
