The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
