Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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