someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
