During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
