If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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