dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
