you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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