a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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