I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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