Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
