piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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