Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
